...this was what I ought to do...

In his Confessions, Augustine relates how he felt before turning all of himself to Christ. In part 19 of Book VIII he prays,

"I was groaning in spirit and shaken by violent anger because I could form no resolve to enter into a covenant with you, though in my bones I knew that this was what I ought to do, and evrything in me lauded such a course to the skies."

And yet, he felt "heavily burdened by habit;" "thrown into turmoil by divergent impulses." He felt "at odds with himself" and "fragmented."

The Lord's Grace was necessary for him to overcome his divided will, as he heard from in a vision, a woman who represented chastity tell him:

"Why try to stand up by yourself, only to lose your footing? Cast yourself upon him and do not be afraid: he will not step back and let you fall. Cast yourself on him trustfully; he will support and heal you."

Some of the ways in which the Lord granted him the grace to cast himself into Christ totally were:

1) The prayers of his mother. Augustine describes that she had been "begging" for his conversion in "wretched, tearful groaning."

2) His own prayers, and probably time before the Blessed Sacrament. "I longed for you everyday and spent as much time in your church as could be spared from my business..."

3) The influence of St. Antony of the Desert. (Book VIII, parts 15 and 29)

In order to surrender our whole heart and mind to the Lord, and do it with all our strength, perhaps we can emulate Augustine's story. We can pray for each other, spend as much time in a Church or Chapel as we can, and develop a friendship with the saints by reading their lives, and asking their for their prayers.

Carlos J. Medina